In September 2018 I moved to the city of Cologne in Germany — the first time I’ve ever lived outside of Ireland. While I’ve always wanted to live in a new country, I must now do something I’ve struggled with throughout my entire adult life; making new friends.
Back home in Ireland, most of my closest friends were made naturally, when I was young, somewhere between 5 and 15. Since then, I rarely felt the need to make more friends.
Why?
Perhaps it’s because in situations where I must talk to a new person I struggle — often feeling uncomfortable and anxious, unsure of what to say. Or it might be because I’ve never felt the need to be surrounded by a big group of friends.
But now I’m in a new country, that speaks a different language with the only person I know being my girlfriend. If I don’t make new friends, I know that eventually, I will feel isolated and alone.
Rather than letting this become a problem, I want to tackle it head on and use it as an opportunity for personal growth.
While in Germany, I hope to make real friends, not just new acquaintances. I know this is going to be a challenge. Research has shown it can take at least 50 hours to forge a casual friendship and 200 for a close relationship. So to make this happen, I’ll have to be persistent and find people who want to achieve a similar goal.
The following is how I plan to approach making new friends in a new city.
Always keep my goals in mind
- Become more comfortable talking to strangers
- Make real friends not just acquaintances
Find people like me
We all want to be friends with people who share the same interests. Therefore, I feel it makes sense to focus on going where other people like me will be.
Co-working spaces
Since I’ll be working remotely, I believe that by having a dedicated co-working desk where I sit/stand most days, I’m likely to have an excellent opportunity to bond with fellow co-workers.
Industry meetups/events
Over the years I have gotten to know several people at design and tech events in Belfast. These events are great as everyone has a common interest in the subject matter and usually a desire to network.
Expat meetups
InterNations facilities various events for expats in cities around the world. A situation where every single person attending is looking to mingle with new people sounds perfect.
Language classes
I made lots of friends in school, taking a German class seems like a sensible way to meet people likely in a similar situation. Plus I badly need to learn German!
Other ideas
- Talk to people on public transport - I’ve seen people do this in the past but to be honest, when someone tries to talk to me on a bus I’m mortified.
- Carpool - BlaBlaCar is quite prominent in Germany and presents a situation where you pretty much have to talk to someone
- Be neighbourly - Try my best to be friendly and not just awkwardly walk past any new neighbours.
Use ‘tools’ available to me to increase my chances
Apps
Tinder is probably the best real-world relationship establishing app ever created. Unfortunately, I’m yet to find a Tinder for friends that has a large pool of people to meet, so for me none of the current tools effectively solves the problem. Hopefully a leader will emerge in my time here.
New in City/Expat Online groups
A quick search shows countless Facebook groups for new people to meet and chat. To utilise these channels I will need to start and contribute to discussions, something I also struggle to do online.
Provide value to others
I hope that if I share valuable, interesting things on the internet that it will make others interested in getting to know me. Even better I could speak at an industry event (another fear that needs to be conquered).
Alcohol
Ok, this one I don’t want to do, however it has worked well for me in the past. My level of comfort talking to new people increases immensely when I have partake in a few drinks. This is a crutch I don’t want to lean on. I shouldn’t need alcohol to dilute my shyness. But alas I doubt that I will be able to avoid this crutch entirely. 🍻🇩🇪
In conclusion
Making new friends is likely easy for lots of people, and they’ll probably think this post is a bit over the top. But knowing myself, there’s a chance I will take the easy route and avoid antagonising my anxieties by talking to strangers. So I’m hoping by publishing this article I will feel compelled to put the effort in.
I’ll report back in 6 months with my progress. That’s the 5th April 2019, please hold me to it! If you enter your email address below you’ll get reminded to hold me accountable on that day and 2 days beforehand.
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Do you have tips on how to meet new people?
If you think I’ve missed anything, I’d appreciate it if you could tweet me your tips on how to make friends in a new city.
Finally… are you in Cologne?
I’m always super appreciative when anyone takes the time to contact me. So if you’re in the Cologne area do drop me a message and let’s meet for a Kölsch!
